Dear blog, I apologize for the neglect over the past two months. So much has happened that it has felt impossible to stop for a second and try to reflect on things. Each day has been about processing the newest life change.
In the past two months I:
• finished my yoga teacher training
• stopped my TB meds and had my first drink of alcohol in 4 months
• got engaged!!!
• moved from our teeny beloved apartment in the city to a two-family home outside the city
• ended my job
How does one even write about all of these huge events/transitions? These are all tremendously exciting and positive events, but even so transitions are a challenge for me. I have learned that in times of transition most people are going to be anxious so with someone who has a proclivity towards anxiety I should expect to feel especially uncomfortable. Instead of trying to fight it or figure it out I have decided my best course is to try to feel comfortable with being uncomfortable.
Here is how each transition has been going:
• Finished my yoga teacher training – I had dinner and drinks (!) with my yoga teacher trainee friends recently and one of them shared that she felt like during yoga training she was this amazing version of herself and now she just feels like a normal flawed person again. I am glad I am not the only one! The training does not feel like it happened to me. It seems strange that I was so engrossed in sequences, alignment, and breath work, and now those are just things I think about occasionally in a yoga class. During training, I was trying to meditate everyday and read about yoga non-stop and now it is a challenge for me to work out regularly and I am reading about weddings. We decided at dinner that it was such a fast transition from being normal people to extreme yogis that we should forgive ourselves if we have slacked on attending yoga classes or stopped meditating. Hopefully we will find our yogi path again.
• Stopped my TB meds and had my first drink of alcohol in 4 months – This is another area of my life where it seems surreal that it actually happened to me and that I did not have a sip of alcohol for 4 months. Now that I have the freedom to drink again I just can’t imagine not being able to make that choice. Perhaps it was not as much about the alcohol, but the fact that someone told me there was something I could not have. It made it seem even more enticing being told I could not have it (like being 19 again and just wanting to be able to drink like an adult).
• Got engaged!!! – For so many years I thought being engaged was a secret club and one day I would I get the password! It seemed like there was this huge difference between people who were not engaged and people who were. As if suddenly everything was going to change just because there was a diamond ring on my finger. I would like to destroy the myth, unfortunately there is no secret password and I am still the same person even with a diamond on my finger.
Right after we got engaged so many people told me to enjoy this time because it is the most exciting time of your life. I do not do well with events or time periods where I am supposed to feel a certain way (I have spent many birthdays crying and dread graduations). I was so excited to be engaged to Shaun, but there wasn’t a drastic change (as I felt we had already been so committed to each other for many years and had built our lives together) and life was still continuing as it had before we were engaged.
Maybe being engaged is one big period of transition, a transition to being married, so of course I need to ease into it. It has become a really fun time and I frequently tell people that “we just got engaged,” even though it has been about two months. It is fun sharing that excitement with strangers or having people who see me on a regular basis notice my ring and ask if I recently got engaged. Being engaged is ultimately about being married and that is something I am really ready and most looking forward to.
Until then, I will enjoy the ring, the wedding planning, and the excitement, and try to remember I don’t have to feel or act a certain way, even if people keep telling me this is the “most exciting time of my life.”
• Moved from our teeny beloved apartment in the city to a two-family home outside the city – When we first moved into the two-family home we are renting (which our landlord told us is good practice for owning a home) there was a part of me that freaked out and thought we made a horrible mistake. Who knew how long it takes to paint a room? Or that in order to have a yard someone has to maintain it regularly? Or that blinds can fall down on you and slice your arm (hypothetically of course)? Or that light switches need to be moved and fixtures replaced? Or that in old houses a lot of things need to be fixed constantly?
Since I was the one who found this house I kept fearing that Shaun was secretly thinking I made a terrible mistake. Well it has been one month and we have one room painted and one room left to unpack. We have had two visits from the electrician and several visits from Shaun’s dad who is filling in as our handyman. I have never felt so lucky to have a fiance who enjoys fixing and solving things!
I kept waiting for this place to feel like home and again dealing with expectations that it should already. Last night something just clicked and for some reason I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep and felt at home. I am not sure what it takes to make something home. I think it might be something as small as having pictures of our memories on the wall. I think that is what made me feel at home last night. Shaun perched a frame on top of his dresser that he wants to hang with pictures from our trip to Jamaica and suddenly I looked at my bedroom differently. For other people it is about scents or having the same bedding, but for me I think it is about a wall covered in pictures of friends and family. These are things that only our home could have and you can’t buy in a pottery barn catalogue. They are cluttered and imperfect but they are us.
We have also started to build routines and make memories in the new house. Every night Shaun grills and we sit at the patio table (in the midst of our yard that is so overgrown with weeds it is hard to walk) and on special nights we treat ourselves to a glass of Malbec (with me appreciating it even more now).
• Ended my job – The end of my current job has been extra significant because it is a sign that I am really starting a PhD program this fall. I am done with my brief stint of being a working professional again and I am back to being a student. There is no turning back now. Everyone keeps telling me to relax in these few weeks of not working, but I am not sure what that looks like for me. Sitting around watching TV at 11am on a Monday? Reading for 6 hours in my yard? I need projects and places to be, even if they are something as silly as a 12:30pm yoga class or a 4pm haircut. I will try to “rest” by doing things I have wanted to do, but don’t have time for when working full-time. Working out everyday, meditating, reading the newspaper/The Atlantic/The Economist, organizing/cleaning (I know this is not typically relaxing, but its rewarding so I would say that counts), BLOGGING!, shopping, seeing friends for lunch, and trying my absolute best to embrace the transition and be in it instead of just counting down days until the next step.